I'm back sorta...

It's been nearly 11 months since I've last posted.  I'm back and hopefully on a regular basis.  Life happens, but I'm working on moving back into Intown areas of Atlanta since I'm starting a new gig in my career field.  Hopefully, I can continue to deliver my analyses of the things occurring in Metro Atlanta, Greater Birmingham, everywhere, and some life/social issues.

I will say this...why are there so many obtuse black gay and bisexual men or males in Atlanta.  Let me be more specific, I was just reading a post by another blogger than mainly focuses on porn, yeah the gay kind.  He was in shock or thrown off by a) how many people but particularly gay and bisexual males that are two timing backstabbers and b) how few people are truly your friends.  I was like, "Uh, I've learned years ago from sheer observation but also some quasi-personal experiences that most of the guys that tend to migrate here are thirsty, whores, attention whores, narcissistic/sociopaths, and finally, the come-up artist aka "stunt queen".  The few that do not fit these narratives are usually homebodies, low-key, or too busy with their careers to be caught up in the shenanigans.

I mean, I have a few friends that happened to be gay or bisexual males, but most of them are not.  It's hard enough as it is to encounter and befriend decent people in general in any major city.  However, befriending one that falls into the gay/bisexual fold is even rarer.  Let's not pretend there aren't thirsty mofos on Adam4Adam, BGCLive and/or Jack'd, (and if you are foolish enough to be on these following ones then the joke is on you) Grindr and/or Manhunt that have profiles based in Atlanta to know what is going on.  The thirst in real in this region and I can log onto any of these websites and look at how quick somebody is looking to fuck you before getting to know you.  So the porn industry is a dog-eat-dog world for sure.  I cannot even begin to tell you how warped the sense of reality because they are already not paid well because it is (black) urban gay porn.  Then you have the come-up-artist and "survival" mode mentality then you will likely not find many whom are really a friend.

*le sigh*

I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...

Oh the things, I haven't forgotten at all...

For starters, I do remember the days when I was younger and saw acceptance from others due to my earlier struggles with my weight.  However, when one comes to terms to understand yourself from your race (and for some their ethnicity), it gets even more complicated when you add sexuality to the mix.  My sexuality has been more of non-factor for me because I have never really allowed it to be placed at the forefront of my personal identity.  On the other hand, when one does began to interact with their peers and form relationships, it does become a kind come into play along with the other aforementioned characteristics such as race, ethnicity, height, and body type (weight).

Anyways, to get to the point.  I came across this article from GMFA, a UK-based organization that promotes positive and good health practices for gay, bisexual, and queer males.  The article is very true and quite on point of some of the things many non-white but particularly black gay and bisexual males have to deal with when they are on their journal of self acceptance and confidence.  This interesting segment of the article stuck out to me:

As a 17-year-old, seeing the “no Blacks, no Asians” statement displayed on a profile would sadden me, but that was nothing compared with getting those remarks back as a response after I had broken the ice in a direct message. Rejection is always worse when you are not expecting it, and people can react to sexual racism in various different ways. Ten years ago it would have made me angry and I would have instantly questioned how the rest of the world was viewing me, but these days, I really don’t give a damn about the thoughts of people who are clearly incapable of at displaying common decency. My school days, when I would attempt to ‘fit in’ with the majority, are long gone, and I am not going to spend my time worrying about the sexual preferences of a bunch of morons! 

Honestly, that is my journey to now went except I was 19 versus 17.  At the point and time now, I am confident in myself and don't care for anyone regardless of race if they aren't attracted to me.   However, I do still sigh for many SGL of color that seek companionship with those that maybe white face rejection for their race.  I have said time and time again, that exclusively seeking any group is going to be recipe for constant rejection, but with time I have found myself desiring a long term relationship and companionship with another black male.  It's not to say I cannot be with somebody that isn't a non-black male, but the truth is the likelihood is very high considering how so often sexual racism and fetishization plays a heavy role in interracial interactions still on a same-gender loving (SGL) relationships.

At the moment, I have been happily dating someone new for 6+ months and yeah it is a black guy, but I still to remember those days of the past when this was one of my challenges of personal growth.

Here's something I wanted to say aloud

If you are a black queer (gay or bisexual) male and still running after everything that looks good because "it looks good" then you are a fool!  Honestly, I don't know how many times I have reiterate that aloud to so-called grown ass men.  Meanwhile, they are the same ones boo-hooing about some "golddigger", "slut bucket", or "game player".  Look, we are all human and are fascinated by the "good looking" but after a certain point in life you have to do a cost-benefit analysis involving the matters of heart.  Of course, we all want someone that is physically attractive, but you also have to someone that shares your common interest, values, and similar life goals.  Additionally, you have to be with someone that is on similar level (economically) or strives to better themselves to your level (or greater).  It's all quite simple and if you cannot see these things because you are too busy getting dicked down or looking to dick somebody down then that is on you...

'Tis is all

I'm moving to a new place

In other words, my life has me in an upheaval mode at the moment, thus posting has been scarce at best.  Well, I will be somewhat back to posting on a semi-regular upon me getting fully established into my new place.  I'm excited yet anxious about this move because it's going to involve a lot of shifting my stuff.

So....

In the serious of personal blogs on this site.  Here it goes...

I just realized I am still in love with my ex from years ago.  He recently recently came back into my life.  I wasn't expecting him to come back into my life at all.  There are a numerous of things that goes through my head while thinking about him including good memories, mixed feelings, and even the bad memories.  My heart still feel something for him, but my head tells me to stay on the fence with him in a guarded mode.

About 18 months ago, I had a dream of a wedding and it ironically included myself and this very ex.  In the dream, we were standing at an alter and saying a vows to one another and to spend the rest of our lives together.  As strange as it was at the time, we weren't together anymore (for nearly 4 months) and were not speaking at all because I broke up and ended all forms of communication with him.  Also by that time there was some form of moving on and letting go from that stage of life.  As much as I thought that dream was random and improbable at the time, I realized there was unfinished business between us.

Now here we are now communicating and reconnecting to one another.  It also displays the unfinished business is apparent.  My feelings are still there and I don't know where to go with them.  Also I recently discovered he still has feelings for me as well, but his methods of holding them back is totally different than mine.  He displayed this to me when he chose to come to me in a time of true need.  I then realized he does still care about me and those feelings for me. This is something of hope but also worry.

Part of me wants us to reconnect, reunite, and work on us getting back to together again, but another portion of me is terrified.  I am taking this very slow, day-by-day, and displaying concern, care, and consideration of reality of our relationship.  We broke up for a reason in the past and we have both moved on, grown, and (for me) experienced other relationships.  However, I am also a believer that some people are meant to have something with one another and strangely enough I feel as God/Allah/the Creator is saying we ought to be back together again because our yin-yang dynamics that exists between us and draws us together in a way beyond just platonic friendship.

If he does happens to come across this blog entry then.  Will, I want you to know yes I still am in love with you.  I do hope and pray that we can work this out in the long run and find a comparable median where we can reconcile and one day grow together.  I have chosen to step back and just allow this to play themselves out on its own.  Nevertheless, I just want you to know that I do still love you.  Call me cliche, but I feel like we are like the Rihanna song "Diamonds".  

As they say, only time will tell me what and whom he is to me...

I'm pretty much done!

It's over!  Done with, finish, and complete!  My time in the Chattahoochee Valley of Alabama and Georgia.  Now I am back to the regular scheduled blogging already in progress!

New Year, and one more semester

This year, I embark on the conclusion of my time in Auburn-Opelika area in Alabama and will be moving on afterwards.  THANK GOD!  I will be finishing up my graduate studies and will be relocating elsewhere.  Now I am not totally sure if elsewhere is going to be Atlanta, Raleigh-Durham, Washington, Orlando, Memphis, or New Orleans.  I'm kind of conflicted because I know there is nothing here in Alabama for me and should venture elsewhere because it seems nothing of worth will come from this place for while.  However, I am going to try to blog a little more rather than every 4 weeks on the current issues and things that have been going on with myself.

Some people ain't shit and that is the truth

I was reading a post this morning on Lipstick Alley aka Basic Bitch Alley, the post was about Keyshia Cole and her dog's funeral.  Some of the posters were saying it was grandiose and unnecessary for a person to do a funeral for a dog because it is a dog.  However, I deeply disagree with that notion, and here is why.

In my 26 years of life, I have seen enough to know some people in this world aren't shit and they even know it. To this very day, I refuse to notion or acknowledge one of my former exes and friend because he is one of those people.  Sometimes you don't even have to point that out to their asses ain't shit because they even know they are failure in 27 years of life.  I learned for that experience along with numerous prior ones that it is pointless to treat individuals whom represent a waste of space in this world than anything other how they treat others...

Now how does this relate to the LSA post and the moral of that story.  At the end of the day, only family, whether they are blood or not, are the only ones you truly have to fall back on in life through thick and thin.  Sometimes they are blood relatives, sometimes they are lifelong friends whom will do for you, and sometimes they are even pets.  Pets provide you companionship whether you realize it or not, and sometimes they are the ones that give you affection when others are unable to provide such.  So if you feel when they pass and you have the resources of providing a funeral then so be it.  I would rather use my resources to through a funeral for a pet before I waste it on the people I consider

So ready to have this stuff over with Auburn

After nearly 3 going 4 months of silence, I feel like this is the reason why I 'm tired to that place.  I stay on the road leaving town because it is easier and there are no remainders that place.  Lately, I've been relaxing by chilling at home away from the foolishness.  Auburn is just one of those places where I feel and know people are just brought there so there can front with pseudo-egalitarian atmosphere, but in reality the place is very socially segregated and as about as anti-progressive as the rest of the state of Alabama.  Honestly, I can't truly name or point to much research Auburn has conducted that is associated with anything of importance other than farming techniques and veterinarian medicine treatments for animals.

Honestly, the most aggravation has come from me working with a moron in my assistantship that displays why I know for a fact the graduate program in community planning at Auburn University is pathetic.  For starters, the dude can bare speak English, lacks the discernment to realized that people have other responsibilities aside from working with him, and finally he couldn't teach a small child how to tie a shoe so much as bullshit suppose to be doing.  To sum it up, this shit is ridiculous and as about as productive as watching water boil.

As I mentioned last year, the area might as well be given to the state of Georgia because nothing about the region is economically or socially attached to Alabama.  The Auburn-Opelika area is basically a western extension of the Columbus area in west Georgia like Phenix City is in Russell County.  It just makes you wonder why is Auburn University in Alabama nearly half of its student body (some 40%) are from Georgia.

My reasons for my absence

Lately, I've been trying my damnest not just up and quit with Auburn University and their clearly patriarchal, anti-non-white institutional environment.  While I'm busy trying to finish and maintain my high GPA, I'm contending with the researcher from hell in this assistantship (which I have seriously contemplating quitting after this semester).  It's clear as day that Auburn is not a place for me at all because 1) It lacks ethnic, social, and cultural diversity, 2) It's a patriarchal environment, 3) It has no connection anything I need in the long-term career goals, and 4) lack of social egalitarianism .  Sorry, but I can give 2 shits and a flush about how people perceive my comments about their "precious Auburn", I look at it the same way as I look at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, as a place whether any non-white with any dignity and a piece of mind wouldn't be unless they are visiting family in the area.

I hope to get back to somewhat sporadic posting soon, but I have much to do and little time.

Well, here I go

This is my first post on my own blog. I hope this will be an interesting and learning experience since I'm blogging my thoughts, views, and ideas about various topics that affect me. I'm a black, politically independent person that feels that the views and perspective of things from my (usually) objective point-of-view should be expressed on things from about Birmingham (AL), politics, social issues, sexuality issues, various forms of media (including radio and TV), development, and just life itself.